Swimming in a pool of purple

By amanda m

 

I remember writing broken tales
Scribbling so immaturely secrets of a broken girl
And as I look back
I notice a reflection of something I was fighting, failing but trying my utmost best to win.
Some nights I stare at the mirror and wonder what went wrong
How dare I fake a smile
How dare I pack the problems away
How did I lose myself?
It haunts me, drives me close to insanity
Makes me want to run away from myself
It has been long and years have passed.
I've won and I've lost
And here I stand, A champ in the public but a loser in closed doors
And if these walls could speak
If these walls were alive
They would have sent me packing.
I've chased and longed for ghosts
I've cried out for something out of my own reach
I've seeked and craved for serenity
But none seem to come my way.
Some of the memories faded with time
Some I still hold on dearly
Close to my heart, hoping for them to reveal themselves
And some days I just cry silently in hope to keep them away.
Each day does get better
The pain doesn't hurt as yesterday's but the sting is still there
A constant reminder of how torn I really am.
I write this piece laying on my bed
With the lights off but fingers tapping aggressively on the screen
So many words I've written before
Words I couldn't bring myself to say aloud.
I've poured out my heart's sorrow and hoped for some mercy
I've screamed as I pulled at the roots of my hair
I've cried my eyes dry as I threw myself against the wall
And this has brought me back to where it all began
On my bed alone...With no words but a broken heart.